Today and Then.....

So, when I started this I thought I was going to do strictly my life story from my past. Now I am seeing that everyday is a new page to the story. So I have decided to do this, which I hope isn't too confusing for you, my reader. I am going to do this in two sections, then and now. I'm going to make a go of it, and see how it works out.

So here is the beginning of then.

THEN......

I was born in Brooklyn, New York in 1952. I was my parent's first child, born a year after they were married. I guess you could say I was a post World War Two, Baby Boomer. My parents were both Jewish. My mother was 22 at the time, my father around 35 -37. He was born in a house to old country Jews, in the lower East Side of Manhattan,and didn't have a birth certificate. There was some confusion to his actual age. My parents met working in the garment industry. My mother stopped working when she got married, and was always a stay at home mom. My father continued in this profession until he retired.

My mother was raised secular Jew, by first generation Americans. She shared a room with her Orthodox, Yiddish speaking grandmother, who cut the toilet paper every Friday morning so she wouldn't have to work on the Sabbath. My father was raised Orthodox Jew. He was a first generation American. His father was a poor, religious man. He sold fabric off of a push cart in New York City and helped lead the services three times a day. My father was raised with Yiddish as the only language at home. He learned English when he was put in school. Both my parents were fluent in Yiddish. I only learnt pet phrases my mother would say to me, as my parents used it as a secret language, using it when they wanted to talk about things in front of me, so I couldn't understand. I have talked to other Jewish people my age, and they say this is what their parents did too, so it seems to have been a common practice. My own theory was that it was after the war, and they wanted their children to be Americans, so they didn't teach them the language of the old country. I wish they had.

I was born in a huge, Jewish hospital. It was the era of formula. I was told that they gave little pills to all the woman on the ward to dry up their milk, and all the babies were given formula. Also, it was standard procedure to keep the mothers in the hospital for 10 days, and the babies separate from their mothers in a baby nursery the whole time. We got to be with our mothers 3 times a day, to be fed the formula. Our father's could only look at us through the nursery glass, and didn't get to see us in person, or touch us, until we went home.

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NOW...

Today is kind of a blah day. I woke up with alot of pain in my back. I am sitting in bed with a heating pad on it. I did learn something really good in my Jewish Character building classes today.  Every week you work on a new trait for 13 weeks. This week is about building gratitude. The lesson is about an old famous Rabbi named Nachum Ish Gamzu. Nachum Ish Gamzu always responded to life in the same way: "Gam zule'tovah," he would say. "This too is for the good." Such was his sense of gratitude. This is what I am supposed to do this week. I am supposed to memorize the phrase "gam zu le'tovah" -- this too is for the good, and say it all week, especially when something not so great happens. I believe I can definitely use some improvement in this area.

If you want to take the class, here is the link http://www.jewishpathways.com/course/mussar-program  The program is called Mussar and it believes that "A person's primary mission in this world is to purify and elevate his soul", and that is what it sets out to do.

copyright 2010 © Stacey Bander. Please contact for any reuse.

I'm excited about this: a path of self discovery

Well, I am really excited about this. I should mention I am 58, so I have a bit of a story to tell here. I would like to relate one more thing, before I begin.

I have a 21 year old daughter. I raised her myself. I spent 18 years knowing who I was as mom. I spent most of those years alone, single. Spring of my daughter's senior year, I met a man and became seriously involved for 2 years. I was very much in love. It seemed like a perfect transition from being a mom and my daughter growing up and leaving, to having this wonderful man. Well, things didn't go as I had hoped and planned. The relationship ended, he left me for another woman. Two weeks later, my 20 year old daughter completely cleared out her room of any evidence that she ever existed and left to go to school. There I was in an empty manufactured home. It felt like a living tomb. I was devastated. I was thrown into a intense mid life crisis. Nothing seemed to have any meaning anymore. I was living in Oregon. A good friend in Washington told me, don't be alone, come here. That is what I did. I got rid of almost everything I owned, and sold my place and went to Washington. I didn't last there long, and ended up spending a good part of the next year in a tiny town I used to live in, 10 years before, in Montana. The town has 550 people, who basically are very friendly, and all know each other. I was received with a warm welcome from old friends, and rapidly made lots of new ones. I spent last winter there basically healing from the deep loss of my relationship and trying to adjust to my empty nest. I felt lost and like life had lost it's meaning.

While I was in Montana, I met an older woman who was into metaphysics. I told her my story and present condition. I told her how lost I felt, and how everything that used to matter didn't seem to anymore. She believed that we are born with a purpose, a meaning. And then we live that meaning, until we do it. If we get to that point, and finish it, then we start a second whole new life, with a different purpose and meaning. I don't know if it is really true, but it does feel like I ended life one, with that break up and my daughter growing up. It is like my whole past life fell away. I feel like I might be starting life two. It is difficult. It is totally undefined. I am groping in the dark. It is like I am trying to somehow burst from my cocoon metamorphosed, into I don't know what. I am trying to give birth to my new self, and find out who I am, after losing my identity all these years being mother. ( I adore my child, don't get me wrong).

I am excited about this blog, because I feel like telling my story will be a healing tool of self discovery, to help me re find myself. To help me fully start life two of this life journey I am on. I am so much more healed from the breakup than a year ago. I am beginning to find new life and purpose. I feel like this writing is part of it.

So thank you anyone out there who might be reading this. Thank you for sharing my new adventure. And thank you to all my wonderful friends who have been there for me throughout my life, especially these last trying 1 1/2 years. And thank you all my friends in Montana, Oregon and Washington who have helped me live though it. And also all my friends from throughout my life, that I reconnected with on facebook, and have been a support for me as well through this difficult time. And thank you to my current roommate and friend, for being my friend and being there for me. And especially thank you to my daughter, who loves me no matter what.

copyright 2010 © Stacey Bander. Please contact for any reuse.

Loshon Hara "You shall not be a tale bearer among your people"

So, now that I have set upon this endeavor, it is making me reflect and think about how I am actually going to do this. So much of my personal journey involves my relationship with people. But in a situation like this, I realize one has to be careful about what one says about the relationships we have had. I was going to start with the beginning of my life, but I realize now, that I have to start with today, and then flashback.

Today.... today and the last week I have been taking a course in Jewish Daily Life. This is a course in the basic principles of Jewish life and law, that help us live a good and happy life. One of these principles is called Loshon Hara. This is the Torah prohibition of derogatory speech, as it says, "You shall not go about as a talebearer among your people." Loshon Hara is forbidden even if it is true. This is referring to that you have to be really careful about what you say about other people, to not harm anyone with hurtful speech and gossip or stories. So I am realizing that concerning the part of my story that involves others, I have to be really careful about what I say. So I am deciding to make this story more about me, and my experiences and perceptions, than about involvements I have had with other.

I am going to try to practice Loshon Hara as much as I can in this story, and try to practice conscious speech. Also, when I use names in the story, i have changed them, to protect anybodies true identity.

If anyone wants to take this course, I recommend it. It has been helping me grow and heal in the short time I have been doing it. It is a Jewish online course, but I don't think you have to be Jewish to take it. I think anyone could benefit from taking it. Here is the link: http://www.jewishpathways.com/daily-living . I hope it works if you aren't already registered. Here is the link to all the courses offered on this website: http://www.jewishpathways.com/.


copyright 2010 © Stacey Bander. Please contact for any reuse. "All Rights Reserved"

Memoirs of an Aging, Jewish Hippie: My Life

Well, Here I am. I decided after watching Julie & Julia last night, if Julie could do it , so can I. Not only Julie Powell, but also Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love, and even Beverly Donofrio who wrote the book that the movie, Riding in Cars with Boys is based on. Because I think personally, my story is way more exciting and different than any of these.

I first got inspired when I watched Riding in Cars with Boys, years ago. She was a single mom who wrote a book about it, which went on to be a movie. I was a single mom at the time, but my story had way more of a twist to it. Way more unique and interesting. I just didn't know how to go about such a huge undertaking. I wrote Adam Sandler an email telling him I had a good story about my life, but no reponse. I choose him because the Wedding Singer is my favorite movie, and he is Jewish, so would understand that part of me.

Then came Eat, Pray, Love. I read that a few years ago, when I myself was going through a terrible breakup. 2nd time inspiration. But how do people actually write something get it published and put into a movie? Still mystified.

Last night was Julie & Julia. I never really knew what a blog was before last night. Yeah, I am still living in the stone ages. It was like, Oh, O.K., this is a way to get in written down, and  present it to people, and maybe something will happen from there. Inspiration #3. I like this, because I don't really like to write. I like to talk and tell people my story. That is part of the Jewish part of me. I am a good story teller. A bad writer. A blog makes me feel like I am telling my story to someone, because maybe I am. Maybe even today, someone will read what I wrote.

Because I am a good story teller, and I have had a different kind of life, MANY people have told me I should write a book, for many years. This is my first attempt.

copyright 2010 © Stacey Bander. Please contact for any reuse. "All Rights Reserved"