The Break Up

So, we broke up. We never tried to go back. He stayed in the trailer, and I stayed at my friend's. She lived out of town, and that still seemed too isolated. I had lived out of town for so long, so I decided to move to town. It was really difficult for me to get on my feet. What I was feeling was true. I had pretty much lost my sense of self, my independence. I was scared of my shadow. I took a bus to the dentist across town by myself, and I considered a major accomplishment. I also took a jewelry making class at the local community college. I felt like someone who had just emerged out of a cave, and hadn't heard that World War 2 had ended all those long years ago. Everyone else seemed relaxed and at ease in this social setting. I felt like an awkward hermit, reentering the world. In a sense I was. This breakup was really about me reclaiming myself before I vanished completely. Some people break up to go to somebody else.  I broke up to go to me.

I hold no blame to Thomas. I have nothing but wonderful memories of our time together. We shared amazing times and beautiful, natural places. He was always good to me. We did try to stay friends, and it was working at first. We kept our business together. We agreed that with our lives so radically changing we shouldn't rock our money boat. So we agreed that he would keep making the jewelry, I would make the hats, he would sell, and we would split the profits. It was going just fine at first, for about a month. Then Thomas was selling one day and a woman bought a hat. She asked him to come for tea. He came to me and asked me what he should do. I said he should go. Little did I know, that this was truly going to be the end of my relationship with Thomas. They got together, and I was fine with that. The problem was that she became insanely jealous of me, and forbade him to talk to me. He had to choose between her and me. Of course he choose her. Can you blame him? She made him end our business together too. We had a very emotionally afternoon, as we split up all our jewelry and supplies. We agreed that we could both sell at the Saturday Market and compete with each other. We agreed to sell on opposite sides of the Market. We agreed we could use the same supplies, and still make the same styles. This was all very hard. Especially since, Thomas had always been the one to sell our stuff. I was not practiced at selling, and also people would come up to my table all the time, and say, "Oh this is Thomas' table ?" I would want to bite their heads off, and say "This is my table. I am the one that designs all his jewelry."

But ending the business was the least of it. When I first left him, I never anticipated losing my constant companion for 8 years in such a total and complete way. I really believed we could each find somebody new, and remain close friends. Maybe if he had met a different type of woman, that could have happened. Maybe I was and am still too naive and idealistic about it. What did happen, is that I had to go through the terrible, awful pain of losing my most dearest best friend, that I had shared so much with all those 8 years. Maybe I was a fool for leaving, but I don't regret it now. I don't remember all the pain I went through, but I do know it was a difficult time. I once felt the invisible metaphysical saws, sawing away our bonds. Then I realized how bonded we were. We were bonded over campfires, and rivers, trees, and earth. These types of experiences make strong bonds and they are painful when they break. Once at the Saturday market I was sitting in my booth. A woman asked me how I was. I looked up, and tears just flowed down my cheeks. It was a deep and difficult loss, I never expected.

Over the years, I have seen Thomas a couple of times. These times were only at the Crafts Market we sold at. He still sells jewelry, and is still there, at that market we started selling at, all those long years ago. He met my daughter a few times, when she was younger. The meetings were always guarded and awkward on his part. I never really knew how he felt about me leaving. He never told me, just as he never shared any emotions about us being together. I actually saw him a few years ago at a holiday market. He was more friendly and excited about seeing me, than usual. I spent about 2 hours with him there, reliving old memories. I could tell they meant alot to him, as they did me. He has been in a relationship for 20 years, and I met the woman. She seemed nice. No, she isn't the insanely jealous one. He gave me a pair of earrings from his table. Little, purple, shell birds. And he bought me dinner. It was a nice visit. He will always hold a special place in my heart.

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