Getting on my feet alone was very challenging for me. I had had Thomas to lean on for 8 years. Before that I was a fearless 21 year old. Now I was 30 years old, and I had changed.
Those first few months were difficult. I moved around alot, trying to find somewhere even to live. First I stayed with my friend on her farm, but that was too isolating. I moved into town, and stayed with a few different friends. I answered roommate wanted ads, but no one would take me. I think everyone could feel how socially awkward I felt, and they thought I was weird. Finally, I found a room, in what turned out to be a very nice hippie household. Things started looking up.
I lived there through the winter. I made good friend's with some of my roommates, and it wasn't too bad. I had been making hats as part of my living, and I was very involved with knitting and crocheting, and I remember doing alot of that. Things were ok.
The spring came, and it was time for me to go back to the market. That was the part I couldn't handle. I couldn't handle selling at the same market as Thomas, as well as competing with him. That was emotionally over the top. I didn't know how I was going to do this all summer.
It turned out I didn't have to. I ran into an old friend, and she was going to go to Northern California to work on an organic vegetable farm. She asked me if I wanted to go. That sounded great, and I said yes right away. I went home and told one of my roommate my news. She got excited about it and asked if she and her boyfriend could come too. It turned out they could, and in a few weeks we all headed down there.
This was the best thing for me. I loved nature, and had been living in town all winter. The farm was way out, in the mountains, on a big river. It was beautiful there. My roommate, her boyfriend, and I set up camp. We were living in tents. I loved it. The boss was a hippie, and the whole crew was hippies. The work was primarily weeding 1" high carrots with a fork. It was tedious. We were on the honor system of working. We could make our own hours and just write them down. Everyone was super nice, and we had so much fun out in the fields. We would talk and sing all day together. It was so healing for me to be there. As soon as I got there, I began to forget about my breakup so much more. It was the perfect place for me to be!
We were there for a while and things were great. But I really wanted a boyfriend. I still was after true love. There was lots of guys there, but I hadn't really connected with anyone like that. Then one day as I weeding, I decided to talk to Josh. He had been kind of offish to me so far. Someone had told me he was Jewish, so I decided to talk to him about that. I just said " I hear you are Jewish, so am I." I never expected his response. He said he was surprised I was Jewish. He thought I was Native American and that was why he had been offish. He thought I would want my space and not have him relate to me.
So we talked and we really hit it off. It turned out he was 9 years younger than me. I was 30, and he was only 21. We got together anyway.
Now something very significant happened to me when I got together with Josh. Suddenly I wanted a baby. I never really wanted one before, and never had wanted one with Thomas. I mean this was right away. It wasn't a rational thing. It is just what happened to me. The only rational explanation is that maybe because he was Jewish, and my mother programmed me, my whole childhood to have a baby with a Jewish man, and have Jewish children. Thomas wasn't Jewish. Maybe it was my mother's programming, maybe it was my DNA, maybe it was my biological clock, after all I was 30. I don't know, I just know now I wanted a baby, and the guy was only 21.
We kept working at the farm for a while. Then we quit, and I moved in with him, in his house in Northern California. I had given up my room in Oregon, when I went to the farm. We got along great. He understood me in ways that I don't think Thomas ever did, because he got my Jewish self. Josh really got me as a person. But now I had this baby thing bugging me. I think I finally told him about it. When I look back it was really soon, after we got together, like a few months. But we were already living together, and we were close. He got blown away, and said he wasn't ready for that. He was only 21. We stayed together some more, but I was feeling restless. Fall was coming, and I didn't know how I would support myself in California there. I missed the market and I really wasn't totally over Thomas. I remember I called him, and told him how I wanted a baby now. He told me to come back to Oregon, so I did. I left Josh, and went back to Oregon.
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