My Abortion

When a person writes something like this, there is always the question of what to write and how personal to get. I have decided to try to not get too personal about other people's lives, or intimate dynamics between me and them. I feel like this is gossip. But then there is the issue, of how much I should reveal about my own life. I don't want to reveal things that may hurt my friends and family, by saying too much about myself. This is true, especially in regards to my daughter. I have decided that if something seems socially relevant, and I can help others by revealing touchy, personal subjects in my own life, I will do so, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. Thus, we have come upon the subject of my abortion. This is definitely, by far, one of the most delicate subjects of my life.

I got accidentally pregnant when I was living in the cave. I was 23 at the time, and the year was 1975. I guess abortion was legal for 2 years. I didn't know much about it.

I was a naive kid (still). I was in a relationship that was alright, but never was defined in anyway. Like I said before I just sort of fell into it, and wasn't ready for it. I still wasn't. I was just in it. I wouldn't say Thomas and I were ever in love. It was never said or mentioned, not ever. It was more like we were best friends. We were just together. And now I was pregnant, living in a cave.

I wasn't sure what to do. We talked about it, and he said, I should decide since it was my body. He was 22. I think for a little while, we actually thought about having the baby. We went house hunting, and I remember we told the guys who were showing us the place, I was pregnant. They didn't rent us the place. We were confused kids really. I wasn't close with my parents, and I didn't have anyone to confide in. I heard about abortion, and it seemed like everyone was getting one. It didn't seem like a very heavy thing to do. People were treating it like it was just another form of birth control. 

One thing I did know was that I wasn't in love with Thomas, and I felt that if I had the baby, I would have to spend the rest of my life with him. I didn't really want to do this. That is why I chose to have an abortion.

When I was still pregnant, I got a bad boil on my hand. Some one told me to pop it. Bad advice. It spread to a terrible staff infection all over my body. This made things more complicated. I went to a doctor who did abortions. He gave me antibiotics for the staff and scheduled an appointment for the abortion. He never tried to discuss the decision I was making with me or Thomas. In retrospect,I think that this was totally wrong. At the time, what did I know.

The staff infection cleared up, and I went in. They had to send a second doctor in, right before the operation, to make sure I was pregnant. That was the law. This doctor tried to talk to me. He said, are you sure you don't want to keep this baby. I was going to go into surgery in a few minutes. Plus I had taken all those antibiotics. Even so, this made me reconsider. But I had no time. I had like 10 minutes. How I wish the first doctor would had asked me this. It should have been a law. So, I went through with the abortion.

I was 8 weeks pregnant at the time. I was given an D&C abortion. I knew nothing about anything. I was young and naive.

Something must have gone wrong. I was kept in the hospital for 3 days and was given 4 pints of blood. At the time, I thought that was just what they do. Looking back, as a mature adult, I think something must have gone wrong, to have had to receive all that blood. Nothing was ever discussed with me or Thomas. Finally I got to leave the hospital.

Next what happened is all of a sudden we got really poor. I mean we didn't even have any food. One bag of millet, that is all. We moved in with some people, and were accused of being thieves. This kind of thing never happened to me. We got kicked out. I personally think it was God, not very happy with my actions.

We made it through that. The next months are kind of a blur. We sold our jewelry I guess, and then got the apartment at Poipu. It just felt like life was going kind of sour. We were getting discontent on Kauai, kind of bored, and decided to go back to the mainland. It was spring, and right around the time when our baby should have been born. We got on the plane, and then when I was walking down the aisle, is when it hit me. I could feel the spirit of my baby with me. I could feel my baby, I didn't have, like I was holding it on my hip, boarding the plane. That is when I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

When we got to the mainland, we went to see our best friends. That made it even harder, because they just had a baby. We could of had our kids together, and it was a constant reminder of the mistake we had made.

There were times after this, that Thomas and I would cry together for our baby we didn't have, and the mistake we made. Also, whatever happened to me in that operation, that made me have to get so much blood, I think caused me reproductive problems. My periods started getting irregular, and I think I did have a few very early miscarriages, after that. That first baby, was in there solid. Nothing could have shook that one lose. I think they botched my uterus up somehow, and it made me be prone to miscarriages. When I finally had my daughter, many years later, it took 11 months to conceive, and I almost lost her at 8 weeks. Then I went into premature labor 10 weeks early, and had to sit in bed. I lasted 5 weeks, and had her 5 weeks early. My placenta wouldn't come out, and I almost died. It was partially adhered to the uterine wall, and the doctor thought it was probably from old scar tissue from that abortion. Needless to say, I am not an advocate of abortion. If you do not want a baby, there are lots of loving couples who do.

I believe God is a God of forgiveness. God knows my heart and that of Thomas'. He knows how we grieved and were sorry for what we ignorantly did. I believe that God has forgiven us for our foolish act of naive youth.

copyright 2010 © Stacey Bander. Please contact for any reuse.