By now we have lived up the Mckenzie River 3 years, and Thomas and I were together about 8 years. When I read this, it sounds like things were so perfect, barring our Rainbow Gathering incident.
On the surface we got along great. Everything was just fine. But on a deeper level things were eating at me. The main problem was that I wanted to be with my true love. Maybe Thomas was him, and we just never acknowledged it. He was more like my best friend. I guess I didn't feel like that was enough. I wanted romance, love and passion, all of which was lacking in our relationship. The crazy thing is, we never even really talked about it at all. We were just together, from the start, and that was that.
Also, there was the issue of children. We had that abortion. Thomas kept indicating that he really wanted to have a baby. For some reason, I didn't feel like this with him. Maybe it was the not being in love part. I didn't feel like I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and if we had a baby, I felt like we would have to.
The other big problem was that we were always together. I mean Always. Yeah, there were parts of the day, that he would go out in the woods alone. I would spend time alone crocheting a hat. But we NEVER went anywhere without the other. NEVER. And the other problem. He drove, and I didn't even have a license. I had had one in high school, and never had a car, and let the license slip away. I never liked driving, so I just let Thomas drive. He didn't seem to mind. This was my own fault. A few times I got a learners permit, and then we would move to a different state before I got the license, and I was back at square one. Anyway, we were always together at home. Then we would go to town, and always be together there. And we worked together. What happened to me, is I was starting to lose my sense of self. I was losing my independence totally. I started becoming extremely dependent on Thomas, to the point that I was scared to go out to our car in the driveway by myself at night, and it was totally safe. I was about 30 years old now, and I felt like I was drowning in water, and the water was just below my nose. I started feeling like it was either sink or swim.
I tried to communicate this a few times, but I didn't have enough self awareness to really know what was wrong. I wanted to go places alone, but Thomas always wanted to come. He wasn't a macho, controlling guy. On the contrary, he was a sweet, gentle guy, who just wanted to be there too,having fun. Maybe if I had had more self awareness I could have handled this better than I did.
Also pot was beginning to be a problem. I was still trying to smoke pot occasionally, but most of the time it still brought back that terrible OD. It was hard because Thomas still smoked it all the time. It would make me tempted. I also didn't want him to be stoned all the time. I would try to get him to quit, but to no avail. I was outgrowing being part of the drug culture. I had experienced very detrimental side effects from using different substances, and no longer wished to be associated with them. I guess I was starting to finally grow up. So Thomas's continued involvement with this started being a big incompatibility for me.
Another problem was that even though it was so pretty where we were, I was starting to get lonely up there. We had lived there for 3 years and didn't really even know anyone there, or have any friends. I was feeling lonely for more friends and more of a social life. So we decided to look for a place, closer to Eugene.
We found a little trailor for rent about 10 miles outside of Eugene in the country side. I remember I felt an element of doubt when I picked up my mattress to move it out of the cabin, but we did it. We didn't last there too long together. I guess one day I just had enough. I had just turned 30, and that seemed old at the time. I felt like it was swim or die. I went to stay with a friend, who encouraged me to make a decision. Maybe that was the wrong advice, but I took it. I went home and told Thomas I was moving out. I got my stuff together and moved to my friend's farm. I told Thomas that we should be friends, keep our business together, so we wouldn't go broke, and try to find our true loves. I don't know if he considered me his true love. If he did, he never told me. There was never any talk of love for 8 years. I guess I wanted love in my life.
copyright 2010 © Stacey Bander. Please contact for any reuse.
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